Coming to America: Dreams and Disappointments

Nightmares

Dreams and Disappointments is Part II of the Coming to America series. Read Part I here.

It is 2012 and I am back in Trinidad & Tobago. The mood? Somber. I’d landed an interview and was told it would be via telephone. This was my dream company, one that I could see myself building a career at and I was EXCITED! It started well enough, I told them about myself and gave a presentation on the geology of the Rainbow Basin. Then the technical questions started, and I just froze. This was my first interview with an oil and gas company, and I had no precedent. Most of my interview preparation was centered around the standard fare. I was lost and they knew it too.

I’d expected that once I had my degree in-hand all the other pieces would simply fall into place. Get the degree, land the job, live happily ever after. The reality? I felt depressed, despondent and adrift with no idea of what to do next. Having dreams (goals) are fantastic. They can motivate us to do things that are seemingly beyond us. But what happens when we fall agonizingly short of our goals? What happens when something that you’ve wanted for so long is almost in your grasp and it slips through?

The best way to describe the experience was an overwhelming feeling of failure and hopelessness. In other words, depression. Thankfully, my friend and registered Therapist (luckily for me) Bertrand Moses was one of my shining lights during this time. For instance, he told me that feelings of despondency are normal after missing out on a major goal like this. The absence of sad feelings would mean that I really didn’t have much of an emotional investment in my goal. Bertrand is an outspoken advocate for mental health. He believes that men need to become more comfortable in acknowledging our feelings and shedding toxic masculinity.

Surviving Disappointment

Bertrand Moses:

“Missing out on a long term goal could bring feelings usually associated with grief and loss. Your dream literally seems to have died. Having those feeling is OK; it becomes concerning if this deep despondency goes on for at least 2 weeks. This along with other symptoms could indicate depression. Having a depressed mood nearly every day, losing interest in usually pleasurable activities and appetite, feelings of worthlessness or guilt are warning signs to pay attention to.

There are steps that can help in dealing with the inevitable disappointments that we’ll face. Firstly, mourning the loss for a period. It’s okay. It’s healthy to accept that. Secondly, rewriting the script of the loss and acknowledging that you did your best under the given circumstances. Each setback is an opportunity to learn and build mental fitness for your next great attempt.

Additionally, the cognitive behavioral therapy approach of blocking negative thoughts and replacing them with positive ones can help counter negative feelings and emotions. Likewise, prayer also allows us to give in to accepting that our failure is part of a higher purpose. This can help us to retain our inner peace.  

More helpful tips include; physical activity, talking to positive friends and family members, doing activities you like or are good at, volunteering, and being gentle with yourself. However, in some cases, the feeling could go on longer. If this occurs, therapy (or medication as a last resort) would be helpful for a period to aid recovery. I always say that there are natural drugs that your body can produce such as dopamine, and endorphins from exercise, music and the right food.”  

Daring to Dream Again

After this time of deep soul-searching, I emerged with a renewed determination to attain my goals. Having friends, family members (or a therapist) that you can share your struggles with really helps. Whatever your coping mechanism is, lean into it. You are not unique in experiencing failure and you can be stronger at the other end of the experience. By the end of my year in Trinidad, I had taken the GRE, applied to and was accepted into a master’s program and gotten engaged to my other shining light, Sasha. It gets better, don’t let disappointments end your dream just yet.

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Bertrand Moses is a psychotherapist and the founder of Balance 365. Balance 365 focuses on empowering individuals and organizations to increase their mental fitness for optimal functioning  in order to achieve and successfully balance their mental health, career and holistic wellness goals. For more information visit: www.balance365tt.com or follow them on Instagram, Facebook or Twitter .